For Myself

If someone told me that motherhood meant no more weekends and no more sleeping in, I don't think I would have believed them. I mean what do you mean no more weekends? There is always Saturday and Sunday. With kids there is no more lazy waking, no more watching the lifetime channel and definitely no more drinking hot coffee while reading an entire paper.

Right now my life is dictated by two little beings who rely on me for just about everything. While I know that will change, that I will long for the day that someone asks me to help them "wipe," I fantasize about my old life before kids. How nice it was to get up on Saturday, make a cup of coffee (BTW, caffeine free for almost 3 years now), enjoy the morning news with hubby then a trip to the gym together. Afterwards, we'd go to lunch or home for showers and a day in front of the boob tube. Ahh the days, kid free.

At the beginning of summer we had a house guest who asked me an interesting question. A question that I couldn't really answer. He asked me what I enjoyed doing for myself. He had me stumped. I mean really, I haven't thought about myself since I brought Cookie home. Okay, maybe that's a lie. I've thought about myself numerous times, but doing anything about it, now that's a different story. I think it took me something like four months to get a hair cut after having Cookie, and that was at Hubby's insistence that I go do something for myself. I used to enjoy the gym. I used to enjoy running. I used to enjoy a good book, or shopping. These past activities are no more. They belong in that other life, the life before kids.

Jelly went with me to the gym for the first time on Monday, taking the kids along is always a gamble. Will they behave, will they have fun, or will I be called to come and get them, screaming and crying with the only thing to show for my effort is a reduced gas tank and two very upset kids. Shopping is a struggle between keeping one kid in the cart and the other from wandering off or touching something while I hurriedly shove things in the cart hoping I either did not miss something, or inadvertently buy the wrong thing. Shopping alone means a time crunch. I am always worried about how the kids are doing and if I need to get home. Hubby has been working crazy hours the last year. Something like 12-14 hour days, seven days a week. And we just recently felt comfortable enough leaving Jelly with a sitter.

So what do I enjoy for myself? I am not sure. I need to reinvent me. The me after kids. Maybe Yoga classes or a book club. How about cooking classes. I just don't know. But hubby's friend is right. I need to find something that I enjoy.