Voyeur

I know it's been forever since I have even thought about posting. There was a few months of deciding that birth control might help control some hormonal imbalances and help me drop some weight, since nothing else was working real well.

Instead I became a basket case and had horrible visions of bashing my sweet Cookie's head against the wall. Thankfully we were in our extended time in California, I was close to Mom, and I could run home for help. Cause it all came to a head while Hubby was away at a conference. I needed serious help. Like, "Mom, you need to watch me and the kids because I think I am going to hurt one of them." For the first time in my life I really understood women whose post pardon was so bad they could seriously hurt their own child. I broke down. The last time I was in such a mess was the first time I tried birth control. Even after giving birth to Cookie, I was never that bad.

I dropped the pill and by day three off of it, I felt my head clear. I should have known better. It was the same feeling I had soon after I stopped nursing Cookie. Hormones are no joke and those idiots in Washington who want to tell women that birth control is wrong haven't a clue. Some women need it to balance their otherwise crazy hormones, I've learned to stay the hell away from it.

It is finally April, we are back in Colorado, my house is finally in order. Some big changes are coming, and NO I am not pregnant! Stop thinking that! We are going to get a puppy the beginning of May. A beautiful Chocolate Lab puppy. So in a sense, another baby....but one I can leave at home alone, one I can kennel, one who can't talk back. But still cries at night, pees on the floor, and tears my house apart.

When we bought our house 6 years ago, we looked at another one down the street. It was a ranch style, which in retrospect would have been nice, but I knew I wanted kids and the two bedrooms that would have been future children's were in the front of the house. The giant windows facing the street, where any boy or girl could crawl through or sneak out of or in. That so never happened in my front facing window as a teen. Nope never. One of the things I hated about our house was the layout of our Master Bedroom and bath. It has this huge open area to the bathroom from the bedroom. No door just a giant opening. The shower, is small, in a corner and is glass on three sides, basically you are exposed. It is also carpeted. I was not a huge fan and had visions of redoing the room. Well, I still do, but not because of the carpet or the huge opening. I actually now love how open the room is. I can actually take a shower every morning because I can see the kids. They can play in my room and I can see them. Unfortunately, they can see me. This morning while I showered Cookie decided that she was going to camp out right in front of the door, looking at me shower. She brought in a pillow and a blanket and creepily watched me wash. AWKWARD. She is almost five, and now asks questions like, "When am I going to have hair on my bottom? Why do you get hair on your bottom?" My Voyeuristic daughter continues to make me laugh, which is a good thing, cause a month ago I was so in a different place.