Friday, August 28, 2009

The Having More Than One Dilema

Going into this two kids thing has been pretty much what I expected. Cookie has thrown some good tantrums the last three weeks. But they have gotten fewer. One unexpected bonus has been Cookie's sudden acceptance of peeing in the potty. She now wants to sit on the big potty, and wants privacy. She has actually taken ownership of it.

I have figured out how to give Cookie a bath and nurse. I have managed to put Cookie to bed while dealing with Jelly Bean. And I can go grocery shopping with both in tow. But one thing alludes me and it put me to tears the other day. After picking up the first swing in Greeley, I stopped by a park we had passed to let Cookie run off some energy and to nurse Jelly Bean. And I couldn't do both. I couldn't help Cookie climb the equipment, or negotiate a difficult task while nursing Jelly Bean. I couldn't run after Cookie up the hill or chase birds with her. Things we did in the past. Cookie was good natured about it, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. She lost her best friend and playmate. And I have lost that sweet little girl who trusted that her Mamma would be there to catch her no matter what. Now I am on a bench, nursing Jelly Bean yelling, "no don't climb that, it's too high" instead of helping her. So I cried. Cried that I couldn't give both my girls everything they both needed at the same moment. I am pretty sure that as they grow there will be many more moments where I have to decide who needs what the most. But it doesn't hurt any less to know that I am doing the best I can for both of them and it is still not enough.


  1. You've helped her learn how to do all of these things with your help until now, and from this point forward you are helping her learn to do them herself. Instead of holding her hand, you are encouraging her with your words. Different, yes. But you very much still providing her with something that only you can give her. No less important, perhaps even more so. It's not a loss of a bond, it is the beginning of a new one. Really.

  2. What I've found is that unfortunately, having two means you are constantly being drawn into two directions. And when R runs one way C will run the other...and you'll wonder which way to run first....looking left and right...just standing there in the middle, not moving either way. Or maybe that's just me? Whatever, I get nothing accomplished....