Mommyhood

The other day I was outside watching the kids play. It was in that moment that I realized I was bored. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with the kids. I love being able to be there for each and every milestone. I love seeing Jelly try and work out walking, seeing the wheels turning in her head and her experimenting with some idea that she just conceived. I love watching Cookie examine the growing vegetable garden and feed the horses around the corner. But let's be honest, little moments warm my heart, but most moments in my day just bore me.

So I was bored and I began thinking that when I was a teacher, I used to enjoy those little moments where I could just watch the students play out in the yard. The times where no one was bugging me and I could get my thoughts straight. The times where I could take out a pen and paper and start lesson planning for the next day. As a mom, the quiet moments where the kids are playing is not only short lived, but a time of non-production for me. I can stand there and think about the piles of laundry that need to be done, the dinner that needs to be prepared, and the house that needs to be cleaned....however, there is no way for me to get to them at that moment. While teaching, this time would feel productive, even if I never wrote anything down, because I was technically working on something....organizing lessons in my head or rearranging seating charts. At home, the only thing I feel productive about at these moments is to prioritize the chores that need to be done, but haven't had the time to get to. These moments, I realize, that I should probably be enjoying or relishing, actually drives me insane with boredom.

Cookie and I spent the weekend playing with a neighbor and when my neighbor left Sunday, after a couple hours of pool time, she said, "is it wrong to look forward to Mondays?" You see, she works. I told her of course not, she gets to talk to other adults about other things than the potty habits of her 3 year old, contribute financially to her household, and she gets a break from her kid. The one thing no one ever told me, or couldn't explain about being a SAHM, was how lonely, how boring, and how frustrating it all is at one time or another. When I was working, coming up with lesson plans was what I was paid for. No one is paying me to come up with fun, interesting, or crafting projects with my kids. It is hard to organize such things when I am just exhausted at the end of the day. It is hard to put all this work into maybe 10 minutes of interest on the part of my three year old. Five minutes of which we normally will spend frustrated at each other. If maybe I was watching someone else's kid, I would feel compelled to show how productive we've been. Instead, I just try to slog it through another day with out wanting to throttle my beautiful Cookie. Which is why I needed to find her something to do this summer. Which is why I am putting her in preschool. I just can't do it on my own. My Cookie needs to be stimulated, she needs to be discipline by someone other than us, she needs to find friends and playmates outside of playgroup.

Today, Cookie went to her first day of Summer Camp....and I found myself with still not enough time to get what needed to be done.