Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Mommy Breakfast Club

It's weird, I thought that once I had grown up that there would no longer be "the popular" crowd. But of course this is not to be. Funny how throughout life people manage to be herded into the same kinds of social situations. It is like we are perpetually typecast and thrown into junior high over and over again. In the mommy circles I like to refer to this phenomenom as The Mommy "Breakfast Club".

There are the "jock" moms who are physically fit from the moment they give birth, and look at you like you are the fattest most laziest person on earth for not being able to drag your ass out of bed at 5 a.m., and run a 5K pushing your little darling in a jogger. Deep down we are all jealous of their obvious dedication to their perfect and taunt bodies and the ability to work in exercise and parent. But verbally we twitter (that's the verbal kind, not the texting kind) on and on about how they must be ignoring or denying their little ones some sort of emotional love because it's obvious that these fit bitches care more for their bodies than their kid's well being.

Then there are the "beauty queens" the popular moms. Those who seem to enter into a room and everyone wants to be their friend. Their kids are dressed in name brands, opposed to Target and Walmart. They seem to have it all together. They seamlessly float into motherhood arriving on time, with their Emma's and their Carter's looking pristine. Whenever anyone complains or frets about the antics of their own kid, these moms look down their noses at them and make comments like, "ohh we never have that kind of problem." They and their children are perfect. You hate them, but you so want to be that mom. You envy her ability to keep it all together. What is really happening, is that mom is on some sort of happy pill, her husband is less than perfect, and her kids are holy terrors....just not when your looking. Or at least this is what I want to believe.

The "screw-up". This mom none of us envy. She is always late, always appears frazzled, and her kids are a mess. They are the ones, with snot draining from their noses, which they continually swipe with the back of their own hands. Mommy can not be bothered to wipe it for them or ask them to use a kleenex. But, at one time or another, you are that mom. Your kid is screaming, you just spilled coffee down your shirt, and you are working on 4 hours of sleep because sweet little Janie had nightmares about the snakes you saw at the zoo the day before. Although, Popular mom is never this mom....bitch.

The "nerdy" mom. This is where the majority of us fit in. Or at least I do. You think you are making connections...and then popular mom enters the play area. All of those women who you thought you might make a play date with scatter away from you and fawn over popular mom. These mom's know that their kids are not perfect, in fact they tend to love to share stories about the trials and tribulations of their kids. They are always asking for advice from other moms, since they have not quite figured it out, or know that there is always something new to learn. Beware of popular mom, she has the uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the screw-up mom for you inability to be able to keep your kid's hair in a bow, or get her to eat carrots at dinner time.

I write this all down because I have come across the "popular" mom. She haunts me. She was in yoga, music, and now our exercise/play class. It drove me nuts, why did I not quite like this mom. Her kid is cute, and sweet and I like her. But there is something about the mom that rubbed me the wrong way. And then it finally came to me. She can do no wrong. Everyone seems to love her, talk with her, want to be her friend. So, of course the green eyed monster got me. I was jealous at first...I ached to be included in her circle of friends, then it dawned on me, I didn't want to be her friend. She was always perfect and so was her kid. I once commented on how lucky she was to be able to put her daughter's hair up in bows, since Cookie has some sort of extra sensitive head and has issues about me touching it. Popular mom's answer was, "ohh well, I've been playing with her hair since day one, so she won't fight me." She said it with this superior intonation like I was a failure because I couldn't get Cookie to sit still for a frickn bow. Popular mommy is now pregnant. I was telling another mom how we had started having some trouble w/ Cookie going to bed and she was back to peeing on the furniture since we got #2's furniture. Response from popular mommy, "Ohh my daughter is so excited to have a new baby. We talk about it all the time. And we have had no problems with potty training" Like we weren't trying to prepare Cookie for baby. And who does potty training without pee on the floor at least once? Of course that is the day Cookie decided to have an accident outside of class. I was so mortified that I yelled at Cookie. Then repented to her later and felt like the screw-up mom for yelling at my kid for having an accident.

So what is the lesson here? Ignore popular mommy. Don't let her get to you. Because I bet, deep down, her kid is not perfect. Her life is not perfect. And she is a big fat fraud.....or at least In my own head she is:) I am sure she has just as many insecurities that we all do as moms, but she can not or refuses to acknowledge them in public. I feel for her because, I think she is even more lonely than the rest of us, who are honestly sharing our lives and our kids with others. At least these are the things I tell myself so I don't strangle the bitch.